Months ago my friend Cindy asked me to help her research musical gift for her husband Dan (who sometimes plays bass in my band). After much thought and surreptitious questioning of Dan I came up with the idea that he might like a nice, expensive multipurpose studio mic. I did lots of research and questioning of my gear head friends and we came up with this beauty called a Mojave MA-200. You should be so lucky to have your wife give you this gift.

So far so good, right? Here’s the thing: Cindy and Dan have been away at language school in Guatemala and I’m supposed to purchase it and have it ready by the time they get back on Dan’s birthday (which, by the way, is today). So, thinking that  I can take a leisurely stroll down to Guitar Center on Friday and take care of it, right? Unfortunately, there are no MA-200s at Guitar Center — none in the whole entire city of Gotham for sale. Mail order only.

Last night, feeling like I’m letting Cindy down, I came up with Plan B. What if I wrap up one of my nice mic boxes with a crocheted mic inside and a promise to order the Mojave ASAP? That way he’d have something to unwrap and I wouldn’t feel like such a jerk for derailing the process. And a crocheted microphone would be funny, no?

No.

A crocheted microphone looks like an adult toy made of yarn. I’m providing you with a picture here because it makes me laugh. I ended up stitching a cartiod pattern on the front just so there would be some idea that it’s to sing into, not to “play with.”

AKG 1000 S

In the case it actually doesn’t look that dirty. But wait till you see it by itself:

If I had any question whether this object did or did not look like an adult appliance, my hunch was confirmed by Jad who said “how come you knitted a dildo?” as soon as he saw it.

Totally not going to work in a party setting. Especially since it’s at a public place. Maybe if everyone at the restaurant knew what an assortment of mics look like, but probably not even then. It’s just asking for an awkward record scratch moment.

Ah, well.